What do you do when someone you care so deeply for, gets on your last nerves? You absolutely love them and yet can’t stand them. It doesn’t seem possible to feel both but this person makes it evidently clear. You love and care for them, but make it a priority to find some sort of balance so you don’t kill em.
But what do you do when that person is….You?
This past week I’ve been listening to a song called idontwannabeyouanymore by Billie Ellish and this song resonated in me in a way I haven’t felt in some time. I watched a Genius Lyric video of her explaining the lyrics about this song and she discussed looking at yourself in the mirror and honestly saying she doesn’t want to be herself anymore because she gets on her own nerves at time. She talks about having this horrible feeling towards yourself for no particular reason other than just not being able to stand yourself.
I don’t know about you, but I could count on my hands and feet how many times I just wish I could just not be me anymore. Sometimes it’s for no particular reason at all except for the fact that I get on my nerves and other times it’s knowing I should be doing one thing but instead of doing it, I turn around and do something completely opposite! Later looking at myself like ‘Dummy why did you do that, knowing what the consequences would be?’ The sad part is you don’t have any real explanation of why you did it.
I’ve been battling with my inner demons for a long time, struggling with figuring out who I am and trying to align who I am on the inside with the person that I show to others. Wondering if I show my true self, will others still stay with me or leave because I’m not who they thought I was or if I’ll even like myself above all else. Battling daily to figure out which me is the real me. Even in explaining it, it’s difficult because I’m sure people will read this like I’m crazy but it’s just a fact that I’m dealing with.
I know as a Christian that my identity is based in Christ and by drawing close to Him, the layers will peel away and my true self will be revealed. In the meantime though, I’m being as transparent as I can in saying that there are honestly days I wake up, wishing I could be anyone else but myself. It’s not to say that I live a horrible life and want to escape because I have amazing friends, family and a pretty decent life, but there’s just a part of me that others don’t see, the me that I have to face when I look at myself in the mirror and when I lay my head at night.
I do believe that someday I will get to the place where I do look at myself and I’m happy to be no one else but me. I’m steady working towards this goal in my life, but this is just where I am in my life and I just want to be honest and transparent enough to simply say that sometimes I don’t want to be me.
If you as well feel this way, take courage to know you’re not alone but I do encourage anyone who does feel like this to have at least one person you can confide it. I appreciate my friends for being a listening ear when I need it because even though it doesn’t make sense to them, they remind me that they’re with me and that speaks volumes to me in ways I can’t even express.
I’ve left the link below of both the song idontwannabeyouanymore and the Genius Lyric breakdown by Billie Ellish.
For the Love of Music 